eidolon

[Saturday, May 26, 2007]

Thoughts.

I'm thinking about back porches and hammocks. Summer days with cool breezes blowing. Flowy jersey dresses. A good book. Trees. Green grass that feels soft between your toes. Quiet and leaves rustling. Sun.

Anything but the fluorescent lighting of the cubicle within which I currently dwell.

Studying for Step 1 - Day 12

Posted by ink | 1:18 PM

[Wednesday, May 23, 2007]

Step 1

I'm in week 2, Day 10 of studying for the board exams. Otherwise known as Step 1 (this means there is also a step 2, and 3). This may be the last "big test" of my life. The one prior to this was the MCAT's. Historically, I've had incredible luck with standardized testing. I've never done that well on practice exams leading up to test day, but managed to pull it off when it happens. I'm a "game day" girl. However, considering how 2007 has happened so far, I have a lot to be nervous about for this test.

BAD THINGS IN 2007
1. Closest friend at med school betrayed me. Now no longer friends and social situations have become awkward since we share mutual friends. My method of coping is to avoid social situations and try to find new friends. Method so far has only been semi-successful.

2. Apartment was robbed and laptop was stolen. Lost cell phone shortly thereafter.

3. Tested HPV positive for cervical cancer. Had super uncomfortable colposcopy done.

4. Was informed just last week by landlord that rent is going up by $200. Have to move. Current roommate has decided to move in with boyfriend. Am now on my own.

5. Grandmother has cancer. Grandfather had stroke.

6. Was told by psychiatrist that I have "mixed mood disorder" and need to be medicated.

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN 2007
1. Relationship with parents has improved
2. Relationship with brother has improved
3. Hair has finally grown to a respectable length
4. Guys considered "hot" by other girls have started paying attention to me
5. Am going to Ecuador

The year is not even half over! I'm hoping that maybe I got all my bad luck out of the way at the beginning and now only good things will happen. I have 7 voicemails on my cell phone that I haven't gotten around to answering yet =(. And still - I'm putting in less hours of studying than others. BOO NANCY....

I miss feeling like a real person. You know, a real person who does real things. Like go out to dinner. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've had a hot meal that wasn't microwaved, from a fast food joint, or frozen? With a good friend who I could just relax and talk about nothing with? Do you have any idea how long it's been since I could just relax?

Posted by ink | 9:29 AM

[Friday, May 04, 2007]

EVERYBODY'S PREGGERS!

I found out a few weeks ago that my best friend from high school is pregnant. It was simultaneously a shocker and expected all at once. After all, she -has- been married for what, close to 5 years now? And wasn't I the one who was always teasing her about having a bun in the oven? And showing her the charts where the incidence of Down's syndrome skyrockets once women hit 35? Yet, when I found out, you could've knocked me over with a feather. It was equivalent to the JFK shooting (even though I wasn't alive when it happened), or 9/11. I remember exactly where I was when I found out - lying on my bed, with the sun streaming in through my window. Her husband called me and told me he had some news. I could hear her grumbling in the background. When he told me, I was surprised and shocked and happy. But mostly shocked. D. is pregnant. I've known D since I was 14. Back when we thought boys were still gross. And now she's pregnant. How does this happen? ...Irrelevant question since we're all aware how it actually happens, but how does this happen. This whole growing-up thing. I've managed to go through the past 5 years of my life feeling like I'm standing in place. With every year that goes by, I add another digit to my age, but I never really felt any older. Once I graduated from undergrad, I was in a sense of suspended animation. The years kept cycling but really, everything was still the same.

But not anymore.

D's husband is completely thrilled. D., I think, falls into my camp. Which is - stunned, and a little resistant. After all, we're of the same mind. We like to think that things will never change and time will never move on. And I think she recognizes this for what it is - an undeniable sign that we're actually growing up. I don't think you're ever really a grown-up until you have a little one to take care of. And pets don't count.

I found out yesterday that my cousin is also pregnant with her second child. I saw three pregnant women in my coffeeshop this morning. A few years ago, the whole world was getting married. Now, the whole world is pregnant. Pregnant with love and hope and desire. And the only thing that fills me is a vague anxiety of my board exams coming up.

Posted by ink | 10:45 AM

Ecuador.

It's official. I'm going to Ecuador. I bought my ticket last night, after a 3 hour spastic fit of mild conniptions, in which I chronically checked airline prices on a variety of travel websites, kept fiddling with my departure date, and changing my departure airport in order to get the lowest price. Really, I was stalling. I tend to get cold feet before these types of things. My commitment issues extend beyond the realm of relationships and bleed into real life so I hover in front of the ice cream freezer for half an hour at the grocery store, trying to decide which one I want to choose for the week. Likewise, I have to sit on travel decisions for long periods of time before I actually do anything about it. And even then, I have a mild anxiety attack before and after I click my way through, to the tune of a non-refundable ticket. It's just all so final. I like to keep my options open. I can't change my mind after this!

But for $480 round trip, I'll be flying to Quito, Ecuador on June 20th for 2 weeks after my board exams are over. Looks like I'll be brushing up on my Spanish!

Posted by ink | 9:17 AM

[Tuesday, May 01, 2007]

Free!

I came home today, fully intending on making the most of my night and studying very hard. But then I saw an envelope with my name written on it in pen. Not typed, not stickered, not anything that would indicate that it was a mass mailing. Odd, I thought. I opened it up and found two tickets to the Ok Go concert! Tonight. At 9 PM (that's in an hour). Talk about last minute. Not just that, but it's a Jack Daniels event, which tells me that the booze may be flowing freely... This also means everyone there will be over 21 (yes!). And it says it's invite only! I'm going to do my best to look super cute in case one of the band members notices me and decides to make me his girlfriend (and pay for my medical school education in the process).

Forget the studying. I'm going to listen to music!

Posted by ink | 7:59 PM